I am so tired 

of feeling like

a shattered vase 

across a  slippery floor

and I am so tired of 

watching you tip toe

around the pieces so

you do not cut yourself

on me. 

I walk away and I am disappearing,

the farther I go the farther I sink into

the ground, cosmic dust sparkles and rains.

A fragile young with bones of cosmic dust.

She is here and you don’t miss her and

You never learn to appreciate her, and her

Smile full of all the colors and cosmic dust.

She walks away and she is disappearing,

And the sun won’t follow her, only

The clouds. It’s always terribly cold

Where she goes, no warmth or

Any feelings at all. Every time she

Crossed the road she disappeared

A

Little

More.

If you look closely,

Cosmic dust is left all over the floor.

She leaves her heart wherever she goes.

And the cosmic dust explodes. 

some things are meant to slip away. 

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It starts when you can’t stop yourself from seeing the good in people. It ends when you have continually been denied and rejected and you still think they’re good. But soon, people leave you unhappy, you become apathetic, the rain doesn’t make you happy anymore, the music doesn’t make you dance anymore, and the people leave you so, so, sad. 

I belong here
In this cruel world we call home
Alone
With no one to share laughs
Or smiles
Just my thoughts and my dreams of you
As if they don’t already consume my mind enough
Playing back your voice
Pretending we are
But we won’t
Again I visualize your face
And I try to forget what they say
Because we don’t need to be rushed
Time is of the essence
But we can’t waste our precious time

There is another world at night, when I cannot sleep. Manic insomniac.  There is so much to do and not enough time to accomplish it. Every thought in my brain is profound and incredibly creative. I write for hours, and I write some more. I blast music and I sing and I make lists, lots of lists. I go outside, and I am not afraid of the night. I am not afraid of the darkness, since I know it so well. I always remember to take a key and head out for walks at 3 in the morning. I am a ball of life, of energy. If I sit down I am wasting my life. I will sleep when I’m dead. Sleep is for the weak, the incapable. Depressive insomniac. I sit in bed while my mind rots away. I am physically exhausted, mentally exhausted, my eyelashes feel like weights. But I cannot sleep. I stare at the ceiling, I go on the roof. It takes exponential energy to move my body. No amount of sleep could shake the exhaustion. My brain is a lull, but still I cannot sleep. I don’t know which I prefer. My mind is so loud and obtrusive, how I wish I could escape it. Even in my sleep it controls my mind and presses me to awaken. Presses me to realize that while I sleep I am closer to dying, I am closer to the end and I must do, do, do, before it’s too late. My mind knows what I cannot face. 

Now every night I talk to myself, to the moon, to the stars, to the trees.

I sit on my roof and I face no one because it so much easier than facing people.

I will always say the wrong thing and leave at the wrong time.

You will look at me strange and I will turn red, maybe only on the inside.

On my roof I drag a blanket and I do not have to be happy or be

Valuable or be clever. I throw my masks to the sky, so many masks,

And I laugh as they fall with the stars.

I can walk to the moon, I can take my time.

This world on my roof, this universe accepts my being.

It does not strike me down. 

 I was sad earlier today.

Now at 3 am, my old friend

And favorite hour, I am

Feeling much better.

There are times when emotions

Are more present than others –

Usually I hardly notice.

Today I did and today I felt

So today, I dealt.

I released tears onto my pillow

As I lay curled

In a fetal position, watching the

Sheets soak up my salts and listening

To someone explain how that

Means I’m guarded.

But do I have a choice?

That’s probably the hardest part

And also the reason I feel so much

So rarely and just barely.

But like I said I feel better

Which is worth nothing on any occasion –

Good food and jokes do the trick.

At least until tomorrow

When I’m lost in thought

And left to sorrow

The truth will inevitably climb

To where the truth will find.

It’s times like these I wish

I had a person who would

Hold me and make me feel

Lighter but I don’t think

Anybody wants a girl

Who barely falls

Asleep. Nobody wants

A girl this weak.

the problem is i take my words very seriously, because i believe in words. i truly believe in language and the power of words to convey the most important of thoughts and messages. so, when someone says something to me, i remember it and i hold it close to my heart. but other people are careless with their words and they don’t realize the power of language and what it means to me. they don’t realize how i wrap myself around their heart with anything they say to me. words are the most powerful tool in the world. people need to understand this. people need to understand what they say means something to me, and you can’t just take it back. you can’t just act like your words never meant anything at all. 

I wish I could go to the hospital and give my life to a child with cancer. A child who is dying, and wants nothing more than to live. I am so ungrateful for my life, and I know it, but it still doesn’t make me want it, or want to live (live well) for that matter. I don’t deserve it. I am wasting it. I am failing at it. I wish we could trade places, and I feel selfish and sorry for that every single day. 

A little bit of something I wrote.

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You think that people can fill you up.

Can fill ‘it’ up - the emptiness.

The empty vat inside of you.

But soon you learn that no one can fill it.

And some just make it worse. 

I thought that you could change things.

I thought that you could make me feel.

Take me from the cold, hard, empty shell of a human I am,

and breathe life into me.

But I don’t feel a thing. 

Not a thing.